Before my daughter started cutting her arms and legs, I'd never even heard of self-mutilation. But, I soon discovered what it meant, and why. Summertime has a way of revealing secrets and her secret came to light then.
When I began to notice long scars on my daughters arms, she would blow it off, and make excuses. She stated that she had been clawed by the cat, or had bumped into something sharp. I never occurred to me that she would be cutting herself.
My daughter had had a very difficult year. Along with coping with the pain of her father's rejection, she had several relationships with boys that ended badly. She soon was unable to trust anyone around her, as several friends had betrayed her also. Cutting herself had become her release. It was her way of coping with the pain. When she finally revealed to me what she was doing, I longed to understand why. Why did this self mutilation make her feel so much better? It seemed such an ugly way to cope.
The most common form of self-mutilation is slicing or slashing with a knife, razor blade, shard of glass or other sharp object. Contrary to any preconceived notions about self-mutilation I had, I learned that cutting is always not an attempt at suicide. Instead, it signifies intense emotional pain.
Self-injury made my daughter feel like she had control over her past and present. She explained to me that cutting herself was the only way she knew how to deal with the pain she felt. "People who haven't cut can't understand how it can make you feel better... but it does. It's like bursting a huge bubble," she said. "You feel like you are going to explode and you don't know what to do with the emotional pain. When you cut, there is a kind of release or freedom in it. Then, it's like an emotional high. You release all this pain that's been building and building." Like any addiction, cutting is a coping mechanism.
Teens who don't feel free to express their feelings to family, friends or people in trust - the outgrowth of which are some of these negative emotions:
- Hopeless
- Abandoned
- Afraid
- Isolated
- Judged
- Unaccepted
- Rejected
- Controlled
- Untrusted
- Unsafe
- Trapped
- Unforgiven
- Ignored
- Unheard
- Confused
- Guilty
- Overwhelmed
- Unloved and Unlovable
When asked why they cut, they may give reasons such as, "It helps me release emotional pain," "to release anger," "to punish myself," "to relieve guilt," or "to feel alive." Prior to self-injury, the cutter may feel overwhelming emotions and think thoughts like, "I hate myself," "I'm so ugly," "I want someone to care about me," "I hate my life," or "I'm stupid." He or she feels compelled to cut to reduce these emotions by disassociating herself from the injuries she feels.
What is the answer?
Look for my next article for some helpful suggestions.
