Disrespectful Teens

I ran across this article with some great and no so great advice on how to handle your disrespectful teen!

Q: "My 14 year old daughter has become extremely disrespectful. We can't ask her a simple question or comment on an everyday thing without getting an attitude-filled, smart mouthed response from her. I realize some of this is due to her age, but this type of behavior is unacceptable to us. The younger children in the family are even starting to mimic her. I'd love some advice on how best to handle this. Maybe someone else has experienced this type of problem before."
~ Loa

Answers:

LaRae wrote: That age seems to be a time when all kids speak disrespectfully to some degree. When she does speak in a way that is unacceptable ask her kindly to repeat what she said in a proper way and don't respond to any disrespectful speech. This way she will unlearn the bad habit she has developed.Doug wrote: I'd suggest that you tell her the following: "I NEED YOUR HELP. Lately you've been showing me a lot of disrespect. I'd like to find out why, but that can wait. My immediate problem is that the younger kids are mimicking you, and I don't think I deserve the scorn you're all showing me. For whatever reason you choose to treat me this way, will you please not do it in front of the kids? WILL YOU HELP ME?" You're telling your daughter that you consider her to be an adult. By speaking to her in a civil and adult manner you're not loading adult responsibilities on her, but rather assuming that she's part of the adult team that must set a good example for the children, something that every child, teen or otherwise, understands when dealing with a younger child. In addition, you've deferred addressing the underlying conflict with your daughter. If and when she's ready to address it, she'll approach you and you need to be ready to have that conversation with her whenever she's ready. It's the first of many conversations to come. Most importantly, seek her help, don't demand her submission.

M wrote: Do you remember how horribly confusing and hormone filled 14-18 were for you as a girl? I do. Looking back now, I can honestly say that the disrespect and manic tamper I displayed were a cry for someone to teach me how to control what was going on inside my mind and body. My advise is to look for a way to help her. Possibly a mediator, such as a family or child therapist. When you say "therapist" everyone gets defensive and thinks that they have a problem. There is nothing abnormal about your child. However, if you want to get through to her without her resentment toward you, you may need someone you both trust to mediate. In the meantime, don't ease up on the punishments because you feel her pain. Be creative with your punishments, don't use the simplest things. Try things like if you can't speak to me with respect, you won't talk on the phone or computer to your friends for the rest of the day. And don't make the punishment fit your anger. If you are so mad that you tell her no more telephone or computer for the rest of the week, you won't have that punishment to use the next time....you used up the whole week! Good Luck.

Dorri wrote: You have to let the 14 yr.old be re- minded that you are still BOSS! Punishment is still a viable recourse. The younger children have to be shown by EXAMPLE! Let them see that being fresh and smart mouthed to your parents is not acceptable. Your 14 yr. old is the oldest right? She has to the example to the younger kids. It's not fun being the oldest but the rewards are great later on in life. I know I'm the oldest and got the brunt of it all. If you loose your handle on them now it'll be disastrous later.

Eleanor wrote: I can sympathize with you having gotten one through that terrible age, and now going through it with another, and one more to follow. Hormones play a very big role in the horrible transformation our teens seem to take at around 13 years of age. All I can tell you, is don't ride her too hard, and be very loving and supportive. Even though it sometimes breaks your heart to hear your daughter speaking to you like that, you have to remember she really doesn't mean it and is usually remorseful when it is over. Having ridden out the storm now my 17 year old and I have a great relationship. I could not imagine my days without her contributing to each one. Good Luck

Susan wrote: I agree with many of these mothers that teenage years are a rough time, remember? Although I would have never spoken to my parents the way my 16 year old speaks to me without punishment! Punishment these days is called "child abuse", so what do we do. We, as parents cannot allow this type of behavior in OUR homes, with or without other children. I agree it comes from their friends and who they surround themselves with. But at what age do we as parents stop "picking" their friends? It is a daily struggle that can tear a family apart. I hung a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in my son's room; "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Good luck to us all!

Karen Block wrote: Wow! You just described my daughter! This has been going on for several months, with each month worsening. I have unusual circumstances in my household, however, and this is the way I chose to handle it. Her father and I are divorced and we are both remarried, I've been remarried for 3 years and he for 1. Without going into a lengthy story, my 47 year old ex-husband married a 22 year old woman who is still not entirely out of that stage herself. My ex makes a good living so there's money to be spent there, not in my house. That's one of the problems that causes an attitude and arguing. One day I finally blew my top and made her go live with her dad. That was, and still is, the hardest thing I've ever done. I also have a 10 year old daughter that was getting sick of her. I have always been very, very close with my girls. Now that she's living with Dad, she doesn't have that closeness anymore. Girls don't talk to their dads like they do their moms, so I know she's on her best behavior there. I also know she's missing the closeness she had with me and my other daughter, so our weekends together have been better, but the attitude is still there. I feel that this was a drastic measure prompted by God and there will be many, many lessons learned as a result of this, for all of us. In the meantime, my house is in more harmony than it's been in a long time, my youngest daughter has relaxed and, at this point in time, she's absolutely wonderful. I pray for my 14 year old numerous times throughout the day; I'm not thrilled about the environment she's living in right now, but I feel that by not allowing her to come home until she has an attitude change will hopefully break the habit. And I believe that their attitudes are exactly that--habits. They start them because of their age and hormones, see their friends do it and get away with it, in my case her stepmom does it and gets away with it, and it becomes a habit more than anything. In the meantime, on the weekends, we talk about God and his expectations, read scripture, and after four weeks of living with her dad, she has gotten into the Bible. One good thing has come out of this! And I know there's more to come! I have to wait, be patient, do a lot of praying, and listen for God to tell me it's time for her to come home.

Chris wrote: Join the club of "I don't like my Teen". I love her but I sure don't like the way she acts toward me. But I help myself by realizing that this is normal for her age group. I see how the other girls do the same things to their parents. It is disrespectful, however, it isn't really her way of life. I take pride in knowing that my daughter is very well liked in school, by peers and educators. The parents of her friends absolutely adore her. So she can't be all bad. It's something that she is going through and I know deep inside her, well not really that deep, she loves me, respects me and knows that I will be by her side in rain or shine.

Linda wrote: Remember that this is NORMAL behavior for 14-year-olds. I've been through it with both a boy and a girl. I thought 14 was the hardest time of all. On one hand, they are expressing their need to pull away from their parents and to be "different" in looks, manners, attitudes, etc. And yet, they are still young enough to want Mom and Dad to be "at their beck and call." Show your displeasure when they act disrespectful, but try not to let it be your only communication. They need a lot of alone time at that age. They also think their friends know more about them than their parents--which is true in certain areas--and they rather like it that way. Their social/school lives seem (to them) more important than getting along with their parents. Ride it out. Be consistent. They will come around.

Maria wrote: My husband and I are experiencing the exact same problem with our 14 year old daughter. Doesn't it seem that when the hormones start to hit our teenagers between the ages of 12 and 15, we parents suffer mercilessly? It almost makes a mother want to run for the hills! The best advice anyone can give is to take it one day at a time. Let your children know that disrespectful talk and actions will not be tolerated under no circumstances. But at the same time, try to spend more time as a family ... without battles. Make a battle neutral period. Take out games, rent a movie, have make your own sundaes, whatever you choose. Try to make happy time to mix in with the bad. Remember that despite that nasty attitude, you have a wonderful daughter who's going through a rough change period. If things get too hard to handle, call in for intervention. Family counseling doesn't mean that parents are unable to do their job. It means the contrary, that they take their job seriously, and they're very concerned about being the best parents that they can be.

Let's face it: they can all be pretty hideous during this time. But remember...so were we...and look how fabulous we turned out! :)
Until next time,
Rose

In my daughter's own words...

Cutting: When she was asked how friends or family can help, my daughter shares her own thoughts.

• Don't demand that the cutter stop, but express love and concern. If you know someone who cuts, walk a mile in her shoes. She may feel like the world is unsafe, maybe since childhood. Maybe she has suffered neglect or physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Maybe she's been robbed of her self-esteem. Because she can't trust herself or others, she copes by cutting herself. And like any compulsion, the problem can't go away at a whim.
• Don't demand that he or she instantly quit. It doesn't help. It's like telling an alcoholic to never drink again or a sex addict to simply stop looking at pornography. It can also make the cutter feel condemned and even more compelled to cut. “When someone told me to stop," she said, "it just made me want to do it more because I felt like they were trying to take away my only ability to cope with life.”
• Don't overreact or appear shocked. While concern is normal, don't act frightened when you discover someone you know or love is practicing self-injury. [Author Steven Levenkron says that to effectively help a self-injurer, above all, you must exhibit confidence. “If the self-mutilator sees signs of anxiety or nervousness on the part of the helper," he says, "that will make her disinterested and unreceptive to the offer of help from this person.” When you understand that cutting is not usually an attempt at suicide or a way to get attention, but an outward sign of emotional distress, it can help you remain calm.]
• Seek professional help. It's important not to overreact, but you shouldn't ignore the problem, either. Find a professional counselor, therapist or physician who is familiar with self-mutilation. By her own admission, she did not welcome the intrusion; she didn't want help. Now she's grateful to those who intervened on her behalf. Be aware that the cutter in your life may be completely opposed to help. “I hated [my counselor] at first, and I didn't trust her," she said. "I thought she was just another person who would abandon me."
• Practice patience. “You can't force anyone to get help," she says. "But you can love them into a place to get help.”
• Be careful what you say. She says there are several things not to say to a cutter:
  “You are really messed up.” This statement is condemning, and for someone who already feels out of control, it reinforces feelings of powerlessness. “I could never do that to myself. It would hurt too much.” She says that this makes the cutter feel more shame. Family and friends need to realize that self-mutilation is not about them, and they should refrain from injecting their personal feelings into it. “You don't need to do this.” This doesn't help because the cutter does feel that they have to do it to help them cope with life.
  “I'll never leave you.” It's okay to say this if you mean it, but don't say it to make the self-injurer feel better. Faithfulness practiced over a period of time speaks louder than words.

When Your Child Cuts...

Before my daughter started cutting her arms and legs, I'd never even heard of self-mutilation. But, I soon discovered what it meant, and why. Summertime has a way of revealing secrets and her secret came to light then.

When I began to notice long scars on my daughters arms, she would blow it off, and make excuses. She stated that she had been clawed by the cat, or had bumped into something sharp. I never occurred to me that she would be cutting herself.

My daughter had had a very difficult year. Along with coping with the pain of her father's rejection, she had several relationships with boys that ended badly. She soon was unable to trust anyone around her, as several friends had betrayed her also. Cutting herself had become her release. It was her way of coping with the pain. When she finally revealed to me what she was doing, I longed to understand why. Why did this self mutilation make her feel so much better? It seemed such an ugly way to cope.

The most common form of self-mutilation is slicing or slashing with a knife, razor blade, shard of glass or other sharp object. Contrary to any preconceived notions about self-mutilation I had, I learned that cutting is always not an attempt at suicide. Instead, it signifies intense emotional pain.

Self-injury made my daughter feel like she had control over her past and present. She explained to me that cutting herself was the only way she knew how to deal with the pain she felt. "People who haven't cut can't understand how it can make you feel better... but it does. It's like bursting a huge bubble," she said. "You feel like you are going to explode and you don't know what to do with the emotional pain. When you cut, there is a kind of release or freedom in it. Then, it's like an emotional high. You release all this pain that's been building and building." Like any addiction, cutting is a coping mechanism.

Teens who don't feel free to express their feelings to family, friends or people in trust - the outgrowth of which are some of these negative emotions:

• Hopeless


• Abandoned


• Afraid


• Isolated


• Judged


• Unaccepted


• Rejected


• Controlled


• Untrusted


• Unsafe


• Trapped


• Unforgiven


• Ignored


• Unheard


• Confused


• Guilty


• Overwhelmed


• Unloved and Unlovable

When asked why they cut, they may give reasons such as, "It helps me release emotional pain," "to release anger," "to punish myself," "to relieve guilt," or "to feel alive." Prior to self-injury, the cutter may feel overwhelming emotions and think thoughts like, "I hate myself," "I'm so ugly," "I want someone to care about me," "I hate my life," or "I'm stupid." He or she feels compelled to cut to reduce these emotions by disassociating herself from the injuries she feels.

What is the answer?
Look for my next article for some helpful suggestions.

Parenting Teens Is Hard Work!

Okay, so thats nothing new....we've all heard it before.  So what is the work you must be doing? That is the ultimate question after all.  You may be torn between looking at parenting as 'work' or as doing your duty.  You must be looking at parenting through the eyes of love, or you wouldn't keep reading!

Are you looking for answers to these questions:
1. How can I stop any argument with my child, right away?
2. What do I say or do when they start talking back to me?
3. How do I stop the acting out when we are in public or when their friends are around?
4. Which consequences work, which don't, and how do I give them?

Parenting classes and/or counseling are two things you can try, but they aren't the only resources you have. Both are good options for help, but there is still another way, that might be easier and fit into your busy schedule a little better. This other way would be to receive new parenting skills, tips and advice from a trained professional who has worked SUCCESSFULLY with troubled teens and frustrated parents for over 20 years.

His name is Mark Hutten, and he can share insight that may work wonders in your relationship with your teenager. You can read more about what he offers in his "Online Parenting Support" materials. He offers a lot of valuable information and his Online Parenting Group is a GREAT place to get the help you need.

I just don't know what I would do without it!

What does the Online Parent Support program have to offer?

What does the Online Parent Support program have to offer?
Dealing with a difficult teenager takes a lot of time, and can & will exhause you emotionally. You need real help that can restore your relationship with your teen, bring peace back into the family, and put an end to their destructive behavior. Believe me, I speak from personal experience. My child tried everything from sex, drugs and rock & roll...

In this course, you will learn so many things that will:
1. Reduce parent-child conflicts
2. Reduce your stress level significantly
3. Increase the likelihood that your child will be successful in school and in life
4. Put you back in charge rather than your child
5. Give you insight into your child's way of thinking so you will understand what you need to do differently to see real change.

I suggest taking some time to really look into this program. It's excellent and it may just be the answer you have been looking for.

Happy Parenting!

Rose

Oh! The struggles....

I've been asked "How do I do it?" I'm raising 3 teenagers by myself; I work full time and have a part time job. How do I parent, when I'm not immediately available? The answer is...it ain't easy! And just so you know, I'm a real mom. I'm a real person. I've struggled as a parent and have made alot of mistakes. I've read every self-help parenting book out there. All of them great, all of them time consuming.

Online Parenting Support was perfect for me. And it will be for you!

Happy Parenting!

Rose

You know what the problem is. How do you fix it?

So you know you have a difficult teen on your hands. And you know the problem needs fixing. But how do you do fix it in a loving manner? I've heard it said that if you keep doing what your doing, you'll keep getting what your getting. CHANGE is the key. The online parenting program by Mark Hutton is your answer. You need real, tried and tested techiniques that will solve your problem. Look NO FURTHER.

Happy Parenting!

Rose